i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
