My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
This couple is walking their pig around campus
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
