So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
