Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
