I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
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I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
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As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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