I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
