I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
