I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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