my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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