I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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