If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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