great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
