highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
