Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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