her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
