so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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