I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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