Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
