Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think people are normalizing furries
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
