wakey wakey hands off snakey
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
