I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
