You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
