That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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