so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
