my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i dont even know how to be here
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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