Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Success! We fucked roommates!
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