Got a toothbrush?
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
