Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
