life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
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I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
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No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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