my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
