y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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