I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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