Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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