Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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