I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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