Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
