Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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