My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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