My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
