My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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