she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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