everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
