I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Never joke about your clitoris.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
