2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
