Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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