I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
