Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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