Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
