dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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