im about as happy as oj after his trial
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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