After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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