apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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