Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
