I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
