I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs