I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0