I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She's the barista slut.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
