I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
