I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
