Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
