I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
