I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
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Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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