If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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