Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I had to cum in my sink.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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