I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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