Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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